Photo by Kyle Broad on Unsplash
Moms and Guilt, the relation between both is unbreakable “FEVICOL KA MAZBOOT JOD HAI” . Every one of us has a little or more guilt in us, but women have the most. And when a woman becomes a mother, the proportion of Guilt rises exponentially. Amongst the thousands of guilts that most moms have, I have shortlisted 4 that are most common:
1. “I AM NOT DOING ENOUGH”!!!!!!
This guilt is present by default in all the moms and the proportion of this guilt is highest compared to other varieties. How much ever a mother does for her child, she feels it is less or not up to the mark. This feeling is very obvious when it comes to her children.
A mother wants to give the best of the best to her children, she puts heart and soul to meet all the needs of her child to the best that she can do for her child. Then why this guilt? What is the guilt for?
The guilt here comes when she sees other moms – comparison is the root cause for this guilt. I would like to explain this with an example:
Mom A – gives healthy breakfast to her child every single day.
Mom B – also gives healthy breakfast to her child but garnishes it and makes it presentable.
Does this mean that Mom A does not do enough for her child? Is it correct to feel guilty for this reason? Incidents and reasons to feel guilty may vary, but the guilt stays.
Let’s understand, according to me, why there is no place for guilt in this incident.
*Mom A has 100 things in her list of which she is very concerned about.
*Mom B also has 100 things in her list of which she is very concerned about.
The list of Moms A & B may depend on various reasons and may differ accordingly; does this difference prove that either of the Moms is not doing enough?
Here, the mom should focus on her list and deliver 100% of her list; she should not compare other Moms list and feel guilty.
If she is not giving 100% of her list then she should feel guilty. It will unnecessarily stress her.
* The guilt should never come out of comparison.
2. Working Mom’s Guilt
Almost all working Moms deal with this guilt of not giving enough time of their children. Let’s understand this with another example.
MomA – Stay at Home Mom
MomB – Working Mom
MomA- is 24*7 at home but does this mean that 24*7 she is 100% with her child?
A stay at home mom has her household chores to be looked after and complete them. Mostly, she is present physically but engaged in house hold work and cannot give quality time 24*7.
MomB – she is not physical present 24*7, she is available at intervals, so she makes sure to make full use of the time she gets to spend with her children. Mostly, working Moms spent more quality time than stay at home Moms,
Why? Because, a stay at home Mom feels that she is available 24*7 so, there is no need to have a specific quality Time. But here, I want to underline that, though stay at home moms are at home, most of the times they are busy and avoid answering to their children. So, I feel we can rule out working Moms Guilt completely.
3. Enjoying without kids Guilt
This guilt is very common in Moms because their motherly love does not accept the fact that they can be happy or can enjoy without their kids. It’s equal to committing a sin for them. Now, let’s dive a little deep into this guilt.
For example a mom / both parents have to attend a party/ social gathering. What happens when they take kids along with them?
The child of any age looks for a company of same age. The child is not interested in what is a going around him, his focus is to play and he does that.
Now the mom wants the child to be in discipline, so that she can be attentive in the gathering. The battle between mom and the child starts. Neither the mother, nor the child is able to enjoy. Nowadays Moms have a very good solution to discipline kids. They handover their mobiles to their children and surprisingly there is peace everywhere. The mom is enjoying and the child is enjoying as well.
Now, this mom could leave the child at home, but then she will have the guilt of leaving her children behind and enjoying. This guilt is even more when, at the gathering she has to scold , scream at the child, when it is not even the child’s fault. Maybe he was taken forcibly. And the worst part is that fto avoid these situations, she engages her child with mobiles.
And this situation rings true for a lot of us, as there are mostly nuclear families, so it’s a compulsion to take the children everywhere. I propose a solution to this. Not all the invitations need presence of both the parents. So, we can prioritize and accordingly either of the parents can stay back to look after to the child. It’s easier said than done, but at least a better option than to shout, yell or give mobiles to our children.
Setting priorities and balancing our social life is the key to avoid to this guilt.
This is most common guilt. Most of the times, we moms cannot handle our set of tensions or frustrations and very easily get triggered and release them on our kids. This is a normal situation in every home. We moms are preoccupied with our work. Kids are very inquisitive and ask our attention. They don’t know how to express and the easiest way they find is crying, yelling or hitting. We, Moms get triggered very easily, when children demand our attention this way. We lose our control and we shout or hit them. This is a temporary reaction. The very next minute we become normal and then repent on our actions. Soon the monster mom is overpowered by the real and sympathetic mom in us. And then we repent, repent, repent and regret.
To come out of this guilt, we need to work on our thoughts and actions. We can program our minds and get a solution to this action and reaction game. We need to practice to tone our mind and gradually we will be able to control ourselves….
To summarize, I would say, there is no one perfect way to become a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges. Different skills and abilities and certainly different children. What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply.
In the above mentioned guilts, all of them are self made and self-taken. The action and reaction affects the moms at the end. So if we try, self introspect, analyze and then react, the actions may change and may help us to handle the situation even better.
Tips To Be Guilt Free Mom
1. Get realistic- Perfection and Good Parenting is ridiculous.
2. Stop judging and start accepting that there is no SUPER MOM
3. Keep a positive attitude
4. Learn to love yourself and keep yourself happy. It will reflect as it will spread happiness around.
5. Be gentle with yourself and with your kids.